The Duffel Blog (satirical):
by drew on November 7, 2012 · 16 comments
WASHINGTON, DC – Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline for them to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Governor Mitt Romney.
Officials say the ballots were delivered late due to problems within the military mail system. Tracking invoices show the ballots sat in a warehouse for a month, then they were accidentally labeled as ammunition and shipped to Afghanistan. At Camp Dwyer, Marine Sergeant John Davis signed for them and was surprised at the contents.
“I told Gunny we got a bunch of ballots instead of ammo,” Davis told investigators earlier today. “He told me to file a report of improper delivery and that the chain of command would take care of it. We didn’t hear anything for three weeks. While we were waiting we came under fire so we dumped a bunch of them in the Hescoes. We didn’t dig those ones back out.”
After military officials realized the initial error, the ballots were then sent back to the U.S. but suffered a series of setbacks.
Twelve boxes of ballots were dropped overboard during delivery to the USS Kearsarge (LHD-3) in the Persian Gulf, then while the ship sailed to Bahrain, postal clerks allegedly pocketed whatever ballots they wanted.
The remaining absentee ballots were loaded onto a C-130, but the flight was delayed until November 1st so the crew could get tax free pay for the month. Once the ballots arrived stateside they were promptly mailed to each state’s counting facility, reaching their final destination on November 7th.
“It’s a shame,” Rear Admiral John Dawes said when asked for comment. “I expected a delay so I ordered that everyone cast their votes eight months ago. It’s really unfortunate that our mail system failed us and directly affected the course of history.”
Upon hearing the news, angry Republicans have begun a demand for a recount, but most military absentee voters have shrugged off the news, with many wondering whether the care packages their families sent six months ago were ever going to show up.
Although the Duffel Bag is a satirical site, there have been reports that our military personnel were not able to vote because of lack of voting stations, and there are all to often missing ballots. Often when pieces like this are written, they are based on some truth and suspicions; a subtle way of saying look into this without giving up sources or being marked as a whistleblower. Most jokes and humor hit a nerve because there is at least a hint of underlying truth involved.
The reports of voter fraud within the U.S. through voting machine settings, intimidation at the polls, lack of supervision at the polling stations and as votes were counted, discrepancies between the exit polls and the election totals and double voting as well as the voting of dead people and dogs, cartoon characters etc. where no ID’s were required is growing daily.
@VoterFraud2012 Attended Mitt’s Final Rally. Were thousands of women & college students there. I guess they missed the memo. Just sayin…
@CampaignCarl Unexpected! Philly polling stations where Republicans kicked out had 90% turnout, 99% Obama… http://goo.gl/d9tF5
@imsure #VoterFraud Have you seen the recount in FL going in FAV OF @AllenWest RT @MikeWelborn Romney didn’t lose an Elect… http://tl.gd/jugasm
Stand-up America, demand that their votes be counted if they haven’t!! And if there are military ballots missing, they should be allowed to vote again! And demand recounts within the U.S. if outcomes are questionable. Remember Al Franken… (missing votes, stolen votes, questionable vote count process. It later turned out that he had not won, but we let him stay in office.) The 2012 Presidential election (or any downline races) should not be certified until all is done to guarantee that all the votes were counted and counted correctly and that all the voting was fair and accurate!
Related:
A Black Veil of Mourning Hangs Over America
Election 2012: Obama gets his “revenge,” but conservatives must stand tall
Tens of thousands report voting problems in Battle Ground States
It’s the turnout stupid… updated
Not by the color… by Character
Romney Concedes, Obama Wins Second Term
Election Day November 6th 2012 Tweets
Picking a U.S. President… in 2012… Now Just One Day Away From a New Start
Have You Heard About ‘Spigot Cities’ That May Pump Votes to Obama?
1 comment:
" “I expected a delay so I ordered that everyone cast their votes eight months ago. It’s really unfortunate that our mail system failed us and directly affected the course of history.”
How the hell could they vote 8 months before the election when the GOP candidate/ticket hadn't even been selected yet?
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